


Oh, How I Find Myself Loving You

by stargays



Category: Star Trek: The Next Generation
Genre: F/F, Friends to Lovers, Shared Trauma, gay (-:, so so sad but gay as well
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-01
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-13 03:35:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29770089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stargays/pseuds/stargays
Summary: A tragic incident starts a very interesting love story.
Relationships: Beverly Crusher/Deanna Troi, Deanna Troi/Tasha Yar
Kudos: 5





	1. Chapter 1

Tasha was called to be a part of a mission to rescue survivors from an unexplained shuttle crash, something not at all unusual. Her, along with Riker and Data and Dr. Crusher, made their way to the accident site. Whilst there, they came across a sort of creature— appearing as simple black sludge. 

With the instruction of their Captain, they attempt to make contact with this creature. 

“I am Commander William Riker of the USS Enterprise.” 

“I am Armus. Why are you here?” the creature asks, tone menacing. 

“We mean you no harm. We have injured crewmen in the shuttlecraft. We need to get to them. May we pass?” Riker asks, attempting to make some sort of good first impression. 

“You haven't given me a good enough reason.” Armus replies, unmoving. 

“Preserving life, all life, is very important to us.” he argues, tone remaining calm. 

The creature asks simply, “Why?”

“We believe everything in the universe has a right to exist.” the brown haired man continues.

“An interesting notion which I do not share. You may now leave, if you wish.” the creature finalizes. 

Tasha, who had been eagerly waiting to interfere, finally stepped up. “We're not going without our shuttle crew.”

“I warn you.” Armus says plainly. 

“Enough! We have people who need attention. We won't hurt you, but we must help them.” the blonde pleads, unaware that these would be her last words. 

She was then blown across the site with a blast that came from Armus, Data and Riker attempting to diffuse the situation with their phasers. They had no affect. 

“Number One!” Picard’s voice calls out from the communicator.

“The creature attacked us. Lieutenant Yar is down.” the Commander says. 

“It seems to feed on our phaser energy.” Data adds.

“We had no effect on it.” Riker finishes. 

The two watch as Armus slinks back into the sludge that seemed to create him, disappearing completely. 

The Doctor was kneeling by Tasha’s side, scanning her slowly. There were minimal to no life signs, and she felt her heart drop into her stomach. They couldn’t lose her... not now. Not so soon. 

“What's Lieutenant Yar's condition?Doctor Crusher, report!” the Captain asks. 

Beverly scans Tasha one last time, unable to believe what she was reading. “She's dead.”

***

They attempted to resuscitate the Lieutenant, nurses running all around Sickbay in attempts to save her. 

Picard rushes in, worried about what had happened to Tasha. “Status, Doctor?”

A soft sigh leaves Beverly’s lips. “Unchanged.”

“Can you bring her back?” the Captain asks desperately. She was a good member of his crew— losing her would be an absolute loss. 

“We'll see.” she replies, turning to one of the nurses. “Neural stimulator.”

“Neural stimulator locked in.” the nurse replies, following her instructions. 

“Interlock current feeds. Set sensitivity factor to four point four.” the Doctor follows up. 

“Affirmative.” the same nurse says.

“Monitoring two point three, one point eight.” another nurse adds. 

“There. You did it.” Riker says, full of hope. 

“No. I've got her on full support. There is no independent brain function.” Crusher replies, knowing that there was no going up from here. 

The second nurse chimes in, “Current feeds operating.”

“She's not responding, Doctor. Her synaptic network is breaking down.” the other nuse adds. 

“Inject norep.” she says, hoping something will work. She was desperate. 

“Neurons are beginning to depolarise.”

“Let's go for direct reticular stimulation.” Dr. Crusher says, alerting the others in the room. 

“Direct?” the nurse says hesitantly. 

“Do it!”

Tasha jerks from the shock, giving slight hope in the viewers. 

“Increase to seventy microvolts.” the ginger directs.   
Tasha doesn’t move much this time around. 

Noticing, Crusher steps it up. “Eighty five microvolts.” Nothing. “Again.” Nothing. “Ninety.” Nothing. “Again. Again.” 

A feeling of dread fills the woman, taking a shaky breath in. It was never easy to lose a patient, but losing a friend was even worse. But there was absolutely nothing she could do. 

“She's gone.”

“Gone?” Picard asks, obviously upset. 

“There was too much synaptic damage. That thing just sucked the life right out of her. There's nothing I can do.” she says, feeling rather defeated.


	2. Chapter 2

Beverly headed directly for Counselor Deanna Troi’s office, not wasting any time. She didn’t want the news to get to her from some random person on the ship— she deserved better than that. 

Deanna and Tasha had been dating for quite a while, and everyone was well aware of their relationship. They were a perfect match, always seen laughing and sharing everything with another. The Lieutenant shared her love of chocolate, and absolutely adored listening to the millions of stories the woman had. 

The news of her death was something not to be learned through a stranger, through gossip and hushed conversations. 

She stood at the door, the chime alerting the brunette inside. Her voice pops in, so cheerful— so unaware. 

“Come in!”

Beverly does just that, walking in and taking a seat in front of the Counselor. She attempts to offer a smile, but she just couldn’t. 

“Oh, Beverly... I sense a deep sadness in you. What’s wrong?” she asks. 

The Doctor takes a deep breath, tears stinging at her eyes. Telling someone that their partner was dead was probably one of the hardest things she’d ever had to do. She’d done it a few times, and it never got easier. 

“We were called on a mission to check out a crash site,” the ginger begins, sniffling. “There was a sort of creature there... We tried making peace with him, but it didn’t work. Tasha tried to persuade him, and he...” she trails off for a moment, her own sadness becoming evident. “He did something that blasted her... We did everything we could to save her, Deanna, but we couldn’t.... I’m so sorry.”

Deanna listened, feeling the dread fill her body as the story went on and on. And then those words left her mouth, and the Betazoid felt everything in her freeze. She couldn’t move, couldn’t think. 

“W-what?” the brunette asks, feeling dizzy.

“She’s gone, honey. I’m so sorry.” Beverly says, tone gentle and broken. 

Dark eyes stare off into her office, focusing on taking deep breaths. Her mind seemed to go absolutely blank, only the image of her girlfriend in her mind. 

She’ll never get to see her again. Ever. Never will get to touch her soft skin, feel her hand slip into her own, smell her hair after she gets out of the shower.... She’ll never get to be in Tasha’s presence ever again. Never would be able to cuddle her to sleep again. And that absolutely crushed her. 

She’d had loss before, having lost her father when she was seven years old. But losing someone you love with your whole being never got any easier, ever. 

Deanna knew that this could happen, having a partner who went on dangerous missions. She knew that bad things could happen but the idea had seemed impossible. 

Tasha was careful— always following everything precisely. She was an amazing officer... how could this happen? How could she die? She knew it was quick and sudden, not having been something to avoid. But it just wasn’t fair. Her everything was gone. It wasn’t fucking fair. 

As her thoughts got worse, that was when the pain started in her chest, something like she’d never felt before. It was as if someone was pulling at her heart, stretching on either side to try and rip it apart. Her stomach felt tight and empty, dread and disbelief filling her soul. And then her body decided to let the emotions loose, sobbing harder than she ever had in her lifetime. 

Beverly watches through teary eyes, feeling the pain the woman was feeling. She’d lost her own lover at one point in time, so she completely sympathized with the Betazoid. It wasn’t an easy thing to go through, and she knew it was dangerous to hold those emotions inside. In a way, she was glad the woman was being emotional. 

Unable to keep her instincts at bay, she gets up and walks over to the woman, holding out a hand for her. 

“Let’s sit you down on the couch, okay? Come with me...” the ginger says softly. 

With hitched breaths, the Counselor takes the woman’s hand and stands, walking with her over to the sofa. She keeps herself calm for those couple of moments, somehow, but she was falling apart inside. 

The Doctor sits, holding her arms open for the other to come into. Deanna does this hesitantly, but allows herself to be comforted. Beverly’s arm wraps around her torso, holding her to her chest as the woman cries once more. 

It was a while before the woman stopped, the ginger rubbing her back and shushing her softly every so often. Once the Betazoid was quiet again, Crusher moves slightly to get her to look at her. 

“Why don’t we head to your quarters. I can talk to Picard and let him know that you’ll be taking a few days off. You need time to process and recover from this.” she says. 

Deanna just nods slowly, not having the power or energy to speak, wiping her eyes lazily. She stands once the other does, following her to her own quarters. She keeps her head down, knowing very well that it was evident she had been crying. The last thing she needed was to be stared at by every passerby. 

They entered, and the brunette headed straight for her bed. Beverly follows slowly, wanting to make sure she got settled before leaving her alone. 

“Would you like any more company? I can stay if you’d like.” she asks, wanting to do anything she could to help. She felt for the woman in ways she probably didn’t understand, and she hoped she wasn’t making everything worse. 

The Counselor shrugs, laying down in her bed and curling up on her side. She didn’t say anything, having no energy to talk anymore. She had no energy for anything. Everything was drained from her but sadness and pain unlike anything she’d ever experienced. It was dreadful. 

Beverly sits on the edge of the bed, biting on her lower lip gently. She hated this so much; seeing Deanna like this. She was a broken shell of a person, and it killed her. 

She’d always looked up to Troi, being such a calm and patient person throughout everything she went through. She was usually in a positive attitude, and was always willing to drop everything to help someone. At times she was even feisty and funny. Beverly found herself having grown close to the woman, and seeing her this was was painful. 

“Is there anything I can do?” she asks, wanting to do anything she could to help. 

Deanna shakes her head, eyes rested shut. There was nothing anyone could do— nothing. Nothing would help but having Tasha back by her side. And that was impossible. 

“I’m so sorry... she was loved so much by so many people. I know she loved you very much— she always talked about you and how proud of you she was.”

The Counselor begins crying again, not having been prepared to talk about the woman just yet. 

A ping hits the ginger’s heart, her own eyes tearing up. She hated this. She hated that they were going through this, though she couldn’t compare her pain for Yar’s death with the Counselor’s. It was incomparable, but she hated it nonetheless. 

She wasn’t a therapist like the other, but she had her ways of trying to help others feel better. After thinking for a moment, she decides to open up about something she didn’t really like talking about— something she rarely told anyone. 

“You know... I lost my own husband many years ago. He died on an away mission with the Stargazer.” she begins, exhaling shakily. “It practically killed me when I got the news. I was distraught for months... I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t do anything. If it wasn’t for Wesley, I probably would not even be here anymore...”

The brunette opens her eyes, looking over at the woman as she spoke. She felt sorrow for the woman, mixed with the own sorrow she felt for herself. She had no idea that the woman had gone through this... Then again, the topic hadn’t come up, and she never counseled the woman. She could tell the woman was telling the truth, but it was still just as shocking. 

“You did?” Deanna asks weakly. 

The Doctor nods. “It was 2353... Wesley was almost three years old when it happened. I was very in love with him and it felt like my world had ended. My person was gone forever...” she sighs softly. “I can’t tell you it ever goes away. There will be times where you’ll think of her and get sad. I think of Jack a lot because so many things remind me of him.

But it won’t hurt like this forever. It may feel that way now, but things will eventually fall back into place. Life works strangely that way.”

The Counselor’s gaze stays fixated on the ginger’s face, tears falling from her dark eyes. Her head nods slowly, a stray curl falling in front of her eyes. 

“I’ve helped so many people through this that I should know how to do it but... it just feels so terrible.” she admits, voice breaking. “I haven’t ever wanted to die this much before. It’s concerning...”

“I felt that way too. You just have to keep in mind that so many people love and care for you here. You do amazing things, Deanna. You’re needed here. Tasha wouldn’t want you to abandon your life either. It’s hard to accept that you’ll never have her, but escaping everything else isn’t guaranteed to fix it.” the Doctor advises, reaching a hand out to rest on her curled legs. 

“I loved her so much... I just can’t believe she’s gone.”

“I know... Me either.” the ginger agrees simply, rubbing her hand gently. 

“How did you get through it?” Deanna asks, desperate to find a way through this. 

“I spent a lot of time with Wesley, and the friends I had at the time. They really helped me through it. But those first few days were terrible... I isolated myself and refused to eat or take care of myself at all. The only things I did involved caring for Wes. But then my friend pulled me out somehow. Since it happened, though, I’ve never been the same. It’s changed me forever, but it’s a part of my life. I wouldn’t be who I am now without that...” the ginger says, hoping that her experience would help somewhat. It would’ve helped her to know what it was like before Jack died. 

Deanna listens, eyes swollen from crying, and tries to tell herself that it was going to be okay. Life would eventually move on and go back to normal, but the thought of Tasha not being a part of that future made her feel sick.

Beverly continues after a moment. “It’s terrible and painful, but it’s a part of life. It was her time to leave us, and she knew the risks that come with being an Officer just as you and I do. That just as easily could’ve been me, or Riker. I do hate that it had to be Tasha, but it was her time. She died an honorable death in the name of Starfleet.”

The brunette nods, gaze having shifted to the wall behind the Doctor. She couldn’t stop the thoughts racing through her mind about how she wishes it had been different. If Tasha had never spoken up, if the creature hadn’t been there, if Riker had been in the way instead... This would all be different. Part of her wishes it was. 

But Beverly was right. The Betazoid knew the risks of the job were high at times, and that it was just a matter of time before someone’s life had been taken on the crew. She hates that it was Tasha’s— it was completely and utterly soul-crushing that it was Tasha— but maybe it was just her time to go. Time for her soul to be released into the universe among the stars.

“She was such an amazing woman.” Deanna says softly, breaking the silence. “Always so spunky and passionate— ready to stand up for anything she believed in. She was enchanting and mysterious in ways I could never explain and I always was drawn to her. I loved her very much, even though it was only for a short amount of time.”

“She was incredible,” the ginger agrees. “I admired her strength and how well she did all the time. She was just great at what she did, and knew it. I loved her confidence the most, I think.”

“I hope she’s happy wherever she is. She always said she wasn’t afraid of death, even excited for what lied beyond the life we know now. I hope she’s enjoying it.” the Betazoid reminisces, a soft smile on her lips. 

“I’m sure she is.” Beverly replies. 

—

It wasn’t long before the two of them went to sleep, the Doctor having insisted that she was sleeping there. She didn’t want the other to be alone if anything happened overnight. 

She asks the computer for a blanket, a soft red one appearing on the replicator’s counter. After settling on the couch, it wasn’t long before she drifted off to sleep. 

Deanna took a bit longer to fall asleep, her mind still completely full of thoughts surrounding what had happened. She was trying to assure herself that things were going to be okay, but it was hard to ignore the pain in her chest from knowing that her lover was dead. So so hard. 

She stared at the wall for a while, then the ceiling for a bit, and then the other wall. No position felt comfortable enough, but eventually she must’ve tired herself out enough to fall asleep. 

***

The next few days were most likely going to be hell for Deanna, but Beverly had made her mind up on staying by her side for every moment. Having been through this herself, she knew how bad a person could get during this time. 

The ginger usually woke up early, much earlier than most others with a morning shift, and decided not to ruin her sleep schedule on her time off. She insisted the night before that the Betazoid slept as much as she needed, seeing as she was also off for a few days. 

Beverly caught up on some reading for a while, eventually growing bored of the words in front of her. Nothing had been making sense, much alike the situation they were going through now. With a sigh, she closes the book and sets it aside. 

Her mind was pondering of things to keep herself occupied with, until she found the perfect solution; make the other a breakfast of all her favorite things. That was easy, of course. Chocolate was Deanna’s favorite thing of all time. 

Beverly sorted through the computer’s recipes, finding the perfect chocolate cake and ice cream ones she could find. After narrowing it down, she set it into a program with a few other small chocolate sweets, and sat back down on her couch-made-bed to wait for the Counselor to wake up. 

***

In Deanna’s dream, it was like she was there with the away team at the moment of Tasha’s death. Of course nothing was completely accurate, seeing as she hadn’t actually been there, but her brain put something absolutely terrible together with what she did know. 

The creature was some weird misshapen humanoid form, rather thin with sharp bones poking from pale skin. It lunged at the blonde with no warning as she was innocently speaking, the Betazoid screaming out. 

Tasha screams as she’s attacked, forced to the ground. Her screams eventually quiet to a stop, signaling her death. 

Deanna screamed in pain, in sadness, in anger that this creature so easily took the life from her girlfriend. After the lunge, the image blacks out, though the woman’s, and her own, screams continued— and then became screams of the Lieutenant’s name. 

***

The Doctor must have dozed off because she jumped awake as she heard the Counselor scream out for Tasha. Her heart ached, hearing the utter pain and heartbreak in her voice. She dreamed of Jack after his passing, so she assumed the other had been dreaming of the incident. 

She gets up from the couch and makes her way into Deanna’s room, the sight causing her heart to hurt. The brunette was sobbing, having woke herself up from yelling. 

The dream she’d had wasn’t one that faded like many of the others she had, the image of that creature lunging at Tasha replaying over and over in her mind. Tasha’s screaming echoing in her ears as if she was right in the room. 

“Oh, Deanna...” the ginger says softly, moving to sit on the edge of the bed next to her. “I’m here for you, okay? Let it out.”

The Betazoid opens her eyes, gazing up at the other woman sadly. She takes in a hitched breath, tears falling from her eyes, and nods slowly. She then explains what happened in her dream, about how that thing killed her and no one did anything to stop it. 

Beverly listens intently, reaching a hand to rest on a covered part of the woman. She liked giving physical contact to soothe people, like touching their shoulder or resting her hand on someone. It just came naturally, especially with Deanna. Something about her drew her in— always had. She waits until the other is done explaining to speak, keeping her expression soft. 

“That’s terrifying, I know... But Tasha’s death wasn’t as gruesome as your dream has made it out to be. The blast killed her instantly, and from a creature like I’ve never seen. He appeared in a sort of black sludge.”

Deanna’s expression grows confused. “That’s rather odd.” she then sighs, sniffling softly. “You don’t think she suffered much pain?” 

Beverly shakes her head. “I don’t think so, no. We tried to revive her but there was nothing we could do. It sucked the life out of her body somehow with whatever power it possessed... It’s just terrible.”

The brunette nods in agreement, reaching a hand up to wipe her eyes. The ginger took this time to try and do something to distract the woman for a while. 

“You know, I am glad you’re awake. I’ve made breakfast for you.” the ginger says, offering a smile. She holds her hand out for the other to take, leading her to the table in the dining room part of her quarters. 

She asks the computer for something called “Deanna’s Platter” and shortly after brings over a covered tray. She sets it in front of the Betazoid at the table and uncovers it, all the chocolate items inside. 

“What’s all this?” she says, a small smile forming on her face. 

“All your favorite chocolate things. Why not start the day out good, hm?” the Doctor replies. 

“No one’s ever done something like this for me... Thank you.” she says honestly. 

“Don’t thank me, please. It was no problem. Eat up.” 

Deanna did just that, at least to the best of her abilities. She hadn’t had much of an appetite, but the chocolate was calling her name. She couldn’t exactly say no to it. 

Beverly sipped on her tea that she had made, sitting quietly as the other ate. She was happy that the woman wasn’t refusing food, something she had done when Jack passed. 

Once she was done, she let out a dramatic sigh. 

“That was incredible. Chocolate never fails to make me feel a little better.” the Counselor says. 

“What else would make you feel better? What about going to do something to distract you?” the Doctor suggests, taking the last sip of her drink. 

“That might help... I’m not really sure.” the brunette replies honestly, sighing softly. 

“Oh, come on! Let’s go somewhere on the holodeck. We can find something absolutely fun to do.” 

“Hmm, alright. Let me get ready, and I’ll meet you back out here.” Deanna says.


End file.
